How to Help with Grief

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What The Sharing Place Families Say

Grief-RightsA few suggestions for offering support to families who are grieving:

  • Don't avoid the bereaved.
  • Remember to use the name of the person who died.
  • Share memories if you knew them.
  • Avoid asking too many questions.
  • Listen without interrupting.
  • Allow for silence and tears.
  • Avoid making judgment.
  • Be patient, grief is not orderly or predictable, AND it takes time, sometimes a REALLY LONG time.

Whether a death is anticipated or unexpected the season prior to the death is always full of memories and the circumstances surrounding the death are always present. The difficulty of the first birthday, holiday, anniversary and every other milestone without your loved one is followed by the emptiness of the second, third, and all those thereafter. Grief never really ends. It changes but it doesn't ever end.

Some ways to be helpful following a death:

  • Bring groceries and put them away.
  • Depending on the season -- cut the grass, rake the leaves, shovel the snow or wash the windows.
  • Help with the daily laundry.
  • Run errands with or for them.
  • Drive the carpool.
  • Take the kids for the day or evening.
  • Provide dinner or a random act of kindness on any ordinary day.

Don't just offer, do!

As time passes, it may be concerning for others to see that common tasks and chores no longer seem to be a priority for the bereaved. Remind yourself they may not notice or may notice and are just be too tired to tackle a project. Grief is exhausting. Don't just offer, do!

The Sharing Place Families express ways to help children following a death:

  • Answer questions truthfully. If you don't know the answer, it's okay to say so.
  • Allow them to make speculations about the unknown. A child's involvement surrounding the death helps them better understand.
  • Grief takes tremendous emotional and physical energy. Provide outlets for that energy.

Note: Sometimes children will wait until their parents are in a safe place in their grief process and are functioning better before they begin processing their grief. It is not unusual for a child to begin processing their grief a year or more after the death. Pay attention to your friends and loved ones following a death; not just for the first 6 -12 months, but for an extended time because there is no time line for grief and unattended grief may lead to regrettable life choices.


The Elephant in the Room

By Terry Kettering

There's an elephant in the room. It is large and swatting, so it is
hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with, "How are you?"
And, "I'm fine"...
And a thousand other forms of trivial
chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else-
except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.

For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all.
But we do not talk about the elephant
in the room.
Oh, please say her name.
Oh, please, say "Barbara" again.

Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death,
Perhaps we can talk about her life?
Can I say "Barbara" to you and not have you look away?
For if I cannot, then you are leaving me
Alone...
In a room ...
With an elephant.

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The Sharing Place Experience

I liked having time to share feelings and experiences with other adults who had suffered similar losses and had children who were grieving. I gained valuable knowledge on how to deal with grief in different ways and learned there is no one way to feel or deal with the grief process.

Anonymous parent